You are certainly welcome to read through this whole thing and confirm for yourself that it’s pretty standard stuff like what iTunes and most porn sites use, OR you can review, word for word, the following terms and conditions (‘Terms of Use’) that govern your use and purchase of products (collectively, ‘Use’) of jamescahrleslyons.com (collectively, ‘My Site’), which I basically cut-and-pasted from somewhere else (you shouldn’t even assume I’ve read this thing from beginning to end). BUT your Use of My Site constitutes your agreement to follow and be bound by the Terms of Use. So this is like a totally binding agreement like the kind lawyers and shit use. Think of it as MY HOUSE, OUR RULES.
General
So here’s the deal: these Terms of Use and whatever other fine print I’ve got scattered around this place, they’re the rulebook for how you interact with my Site, how you browse it, how you buy things from it, the whole catastrophe. And the second you start clicking around, you’ve accepted the terms. You’re in. You’ve agreed. Congratulations, we have a relationship now. Jamie Lyons, that’s me, reserves the right to change any of this whenever the hell I feel like it. The Site? Subject to change. The policies? Subject to change. These Terms of Use you’re supposedly reading right now? Also subject to change. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and decide the whole thing needs a facelift. Maybe I won’t. The point is: I can, and you’ve already agreed that I can, just by being here. This isn’t a negotiation. This is how it works. You showed up, you’re playing by house rules, and house rules are written in pencil, not stone.
Site Contents
Unless I tell you otherwise, everything you see here, the look of the Site, the vibe, the whole aesthetic package, every piece of content, every scrap of material that makes this thing what it is, all of it belongs to Jamie Lyons… me. Copyright, trademark, trade dress, intellectual property, whatever legal term makes the lawyers sleep better at night. It’s mine. Or it’s controlled by me. Or I’ve licensed it, which means I paid for the right to use it, which means it’s still not yours.
The Contents, capital C, because apparently that makes it more official, are owned, controlled, or licensed by me or my subsidiaries and affiliates. And yes, I know “subsidiaries and affiliates” sounds like I’m running some multinational conglomerate when really it’s probably just me and a PayPal account, but that’s the language we use to cover our asses in this beautiful disaster we call the internet economy.
Point being: look, don’t touch. Admire, don’t steal. You’re a guest here, and guests don’t walk out with the silverware. In short, don’t be an asshole.
Comments, Feedback and Other Submissions
I’m supposed to welcome your feedback. Your thoughts on the Site, the products, the whole operation, I’m obligated to pretend I care, and honestly, sometimes I actually do. But here’s where it gets tricky: I cannot, will not, accept anything confidential or proprietary from you. Why? Because that’s how people end up in litigation hell, and I’ve got better things to do with my time than explain to a judge why your “revolutionary business idea” ended up on my homepage.
So anything you send me, comments, feedback, brilliant ideas, rants, suggestions, whatever you feel compelled to share (collectively, let’s call them ‘Comments’), the moment you hit send, they’re mine. Not confidential. Not secret. Mine. Jamie Lyons’ property. Which means, in case the legalese didn’t translate, I own that shit and can do whatever I want with it. Post it, use it, build on it, ignore it, all without paying you a dime. Worldwide rights, titles, interests, the whole package. No compensation. This is obviously a fantastic deal for me.
And obviously, because apparently this needs to be said, your Comments can’t violate anyone else’s rights, can’t be libelous, abusive, obscene, or otherwise illegal. This is what we call the NOT COOL/NO ASSHOLE RULE. Be decent. It’s not complicated.
Now, about the Contents, everything you see here is for your personal, noncommercial use only. You can look, you can listen to the music while you’re browsing, you can make a copy for yourself if you need to. I have trust issues, so let’s be clear: personal use means personal use. You don’t get to reproduce, publish, transmit, distribute, display, modify, create derivative works, sell, or exploit any of this in any way. No right, title, or interest transfers to you just because you showed up.
Unauthorized use isn’t just frowned upon, it’s expressly prohibited by law, and can result in severe civil and criminal penalties. You might want to look up the word SEVERE if you’re thinking about testing me on this. Some of you will do it anyway, because that’s human nature, but don’t say you weren’t warned.
Links to Other Websites and Services
This Site might link out to other corners of the internet, sites maintained by third parties who have nothing to do with me. Let’s call them ‘Linked Sites.’ I’m providing these links as a courtesy, a convenience, a “here’s something you might find useful” gesture. You’re welcome. But don’t mistake convenience for endorsement. Just because there’s a link here doesn’t mean I’m vouching for what’s on the other end of it, so don’t even go there with that logic.
When you click on a Linked Site, you’re doing it at your own risk. You’re an adult. You can handle yourself. And more importantly, you’re leaving Jamie Lyons territory. B’bye! Have fun out there in the wild.
Those Linked Sites? Not under my control. Not my responsibility. I am sure as hell not responsible for whatever content, chaos, or nonsense you find when you get there. Could be great, could be garbage, could be something that makes you question your life choices, I don’t know, and I’m not liable. You clicked the link. That’s on you.
Merchandise lailability
I’m not going to lie to you: merchandise availability on this Site is not guaranteed. Why? Because inventory management requires a level of commercial success I haven’t quite achieved yet. This whole operation isn’t exactly printing money, which means sometimes things are low in stock, sometimes they’re out of stock, and sometimes I’m as surprised as you are that anything’s available at all.
If whatever you ordered isn’t actually available by the time your order processes, and there’s a non-zero chance of this happening, I’ll let you know via email. Disappointing? Sure. But at least you’ll know. You can always verify availability before you commit by emailing sales@spectaclism.com. Might save us both some trouble.
Once your items actually ship, assuming they ship, assuming everything goes according to plan, assuming the universe cooperates, you’ll get a shipping confirmation email.
I hope.
Product Information
All prices for Jamie Lyons products on this Site are quoted in U.S. dollars, unless I specifically tell you otherwise. Pretty straightforward.
Now, here’s where it gets messy: I’ve done my best to accurately display the colors of the products, but let’s be honest, what you see depends entirely on your monitor. Your screen settings, your ambient lighting, whether you’re viewing this on a phone at 2am or a desktop in broad daylight, all of it affects color accuracy. So no, I can’t guarantee that what you see is what you get. Technology is imperfect. Life is full of disappointments.
Fortunately, there’s plenty of black-and-white stuff on the Site, so if you’re paranoid about color translation, if the thought of your burgundy looking slightly more maroon keeps you up at night, maybe stick to the monochrome shit. It’s safer. More reliable. Less room for existential disappointment.
But you’ll be missing out.
Disclaimer, Limitation of Liability and Indemnity
Okay, this part’s in all caps, which means someone, my lawyer, who hates joy and you if you cross me, wants you to imagine it being screamed at you. So picture that. Here we go:
EXCEPT WHERE I’VE EXPLICITLY TOLD YOU OTHERWISE, THIS SITE, ALL THE CONTENTS, ALL THE PRODUCTS AND SERVICES, EVERYTHING, IS PROVIDED ON AN ‘AS IS’ BASIS. MEANING: WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET, AND JAMIE LYONS DISCLAIMS ALL WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND. EXPRESS, IMPLIED, MERCHANTIBILITY (IS THAT EVEN A WORD?), FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, ALL OF IT. GONE. DISCLAIMED.
JAMIE LYONS DOES NOT WARRANT THAT YOUR USE OF THIS SITE WILL BE UNINTERRUPTED OR ERROR-FREE. NO SHIT, RIGHT? WELCOME TO THE INTERNET. AND NO, I CAN’T PROMISE THIS SITE OR ITS SERVER ARE FREE OF VIRUSES OR OTHER HARMFUL ELEMENTS, THOUGH WE DO WEAR GLOVES AND MASKS WHEN HANDLING MERCHANDISE, WHICH SHOULD COUNT FOR SOMETHING.
I TRY TO PROVIDE ACCURATE INFORMATION, “BEST EFFORTS,” AS THE LAWYERS SAY, BUT I DON’T WARRANT OR MAKE ANY REPRESENTATIONS REGARDING THE ACCURACY OR RELIABILITY OF WHAT’S ON THIS SITE. YOUR USE OF THE SITE IS AT YOUR OWN RISK. YOU MAY WANT TO READ THAT SENTENCE AGAIN.
NEITHER JAMIE LYONS NOR ANY AFFILIATED OR RELATED ENTITIES, VENDORS, OR CONTENT PROVIDERS SHALL BE LIABLE TO ANY PERSON FOR ANY DIRECT OR INDIRECT LOSS, DAMAGE (ACTUAL, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE, SPECIAL, OR OTHERWISE), INJURY, CLAIM, OR LIABILITY OF ANY KIND WHATSOEVER BASED ON YOUR USE OR INABILITY TO USE THIS SITE. WOW. THAT KIND OF GIVES ME SOMETHING LIKE TOTAL POWER OVER YOU, DOESN’T IT?
JAMIE LYONS IS NOT LIABLE FOR ANY DEFAMATORY, OFFENSIVE, OR ILLEGAL CONDUCT OF ANY USER. IF YOU’RE DISSATISFIED WITH THE SITE, OR ANY MATERIALS ON IT, OR WITH ANY OF THESE TERMS OF USE, YOUR SOLE AND EXCLUSIVE REMEDY IS TO DISCONTINUE USING THE SITE. THE LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT CLAUSE. I GUESS YOU COULD WRITE SHITTY TWEETS ABOUT ME OR SOMETHING, BUT I HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON MY HANDS AND MIGHT TWEET YOUR ASS RIGHT BACK.
YOU AGREE TO INDEMNIFY, DEFEND, AND HOLD HARMLESS JAMIE LYONS, ITS SHAREHOLDERS, OFFICERS, DIRECTORS, EMPLOYEES, AGENTS, DISTRIBUTORS, VENDORS, AND AFFILIATES FROM AND AGAINST ANY AND ALL THIRD PARTY CLAIMS, DEMANDS, LIABILITIES, COSTS, OR EXPENSES, INCLUDING REASONABLE ATTORNEYS’ FEES, RESULTING FROM YOUR BREACH OF ANY OF THESE TERMS OF USE. THIS MAKES US SOUND A LOT BIGGER THAN I ACTUALLY AM.
Denial of Access
Think of this as the NO SHOES, NO SHIRT, NO SERVICE clause. The one taped to the door of every dive bar and gas station in America.
Basically, these Terms of Use constitute an agreement between us that stays in effect unless and until I, Jamie Lyons, decide to terminate it with extreme prejudice. And if, in my sole discretion, you fail to comply with any term or provision of this agreement, I can totally deny you access to the Site. Can you imagine? Banished. Excommunicated. Cast out into the digital wilderness.
If that happens, you are no longer authorized to access the Site, and all the restrictions I’ve imposed upon you, the ones about copying material, downloading stuff, all those disclaimers and limitations of liability we’ve been talking about, those continue in force. And I mean like gale wind force, brother. They don’t just evaporate because we’re no longer on speaking terms.
These Terms of Use constitute the entire agreement between you and Jamie Lyons relating to the subject matter addressed herein. That’s it. This is the whole relationship, documented in excruciating legal detail. Console yourself with the fact that our relationship isn’t physical.
AGREE
(I can’t even afford to make this a fucking button)